Deep breaths…take deep breath…breathe!!!

My husband Andrew is one of the biggest mood killers of all time. He doesn’t have any relationship with his parent’s because of how they treat him. They haven’t spoken in years because they are both the most stubborn people I’ve ever met. My mother in-law is one of the rudest people I have ever met too. She yelled at me at the bridal table at my sister and brother in-laws wedding. Who does that? She is literally the mother in-law from hell. Well, Andrew is turning into her. He yells at me in public, he’s rude, complains non-stop, lectures me, never thinks he is wrong and is just flat out unpleasant to be around. What kind of marriage is this? This morning we got into an argument over stuff he said under his breath. An adult doesn’t whisper stuff under their breath, well at least a mature adult doesn’t. Can’t he just say it to my face? I usually try and ignore it and walk away or go upstairs to my bedroom and disconnect, but this morning I lost it. I yelled back out of complete frustration. Last week there were two days where I felt manically depressed and needed space so I spent those days in bed. I got shit for it and he said I was rude for not talking to him. Being in bed had absolutely nothing to do with him. It was because of my depression and he knew that but of course he made it about himself.

I am on disability so I get social security and it’s not enough to live off. If it was, my dogs and I would have been gone awhile ago. I can’t live like this. I am miserable and he’s making my anxiety 100x worse.

I feel like my anger is out of control at times because of him and I hate it. I’ve tried talking to him calmly about this multiple times but it goes in one ear and out the other. We’ve tried marriage counseling as well. I put the work in and he doesn’t because he won’t admit he does anything wrong.

Did I mention that yesterday and today I woke up in really good moods and he ruined both of them? Once I’m in a bad mood it’s very hard for me to shake it. I let the issue go but my mood is still sour. I’m sorry for bitching about this but I needed to vent. I feel like I’m stuck and I don’t know what to do. End rant.

To my new followers, welcome to Smiling Through Tears. This blog is a daily account of my struggle with mental health disorders. To all of my returning followers, thank you for supporting me and following my journey.

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