Welcome back to Smiling Through Tears!
I don’t like to brag, but I’m really proud of myself. I survived two Passover dinners and Easter dinner without having a panic attack! I was anxiety ridden most of last week — would I look okay, would people judge me, would my social anxiety go wild around 30 people, would I have something to talk to people about, would I mess up reading the Haggadah in front of 30 people, would I be okay with three holiday dinners in a row, would I want to cancel, would I have a panic attack, etc. Did you notice that all of these started with “would I”? I need to somehow stop doubting myself so much. I need to figure out how to stop stressing out before I actually need to (if I need to). Does anyone have any suggestions on how to do that? I try and go into situations with no expectations but that doesn’t seem to help.
I posted pictures of my dogs Maggie and Sadie because they helped me get through three holiday dinners. They could sense how stressed out and anxious I was and they made sure to stay by my side while I was home all of last week. It is truly amazing how much our pets can tell when we need them. Maggie my older Labrador Retriever is honestly my best friend. Don’t get me wrong, I love each of my dogs the same and Sadie is very special too. However, Maggie was my first baby and we have a very special bond. Maggie literally had her head or paw on me every time I sat down all week and she also followed me everywhere I walked in the house. I couldn’t even go to the bathroom without her by my side. At night, she slept as close to me as she could possibly get. She knew I needed her. Sadie is still very young and is my wild child. She is such a cuddle bug but doesn’t yet have the instinct that Maggie does.
Last night I didn’t fall asleep until after 3:00AM EST and woke up at 6:00AM EST. I was supposed to grab coffee with a friend this morning so I woke up and showered. I had to force myself not to cancel because I was SO tired and the last thing I wanted to do was get out of bed and shower. I forced myself to get up. When I got out of the shower, I had a text from my friend having to cancel. I was so annoyed but shit happens, right? It was almost me that canceled. I wasted the majority of the day sleeping.
Andrew and I just got back from taking the dogs for a nice walk. It is 71º Fahrenheit here. The grass is green, the trees are starting to bloom, the tulips and daffodils are blooming and everything else is starting to bloom. It was such a nice walk. I love days like this and would be happy if the weather was like this all summer. Well, maybe ten degrees warmer.
How was everyone else’s holiday?
To my new followers, welcome to Smiling Through Tears. This blog is a daily account of my struggle with mental health disorders. To all of my returning followers, thank you for supporting me and following my journey.