I woke up early this morning and looked outside and saw these beautiful colors in the sky. It was really nice to wake up to this. That was the extent of my good mood.
After breakfast my mood took a massive dive and depression set in. I knew the past few days were too good to be true. I have no idea what triggered this depression; it may not have been anything at all. The majority of my depression is chemical. I went back to bed after breakfast and just got myself up and it is 2:30PM EST here. I’m ready to go back to bed and I really have to force myself to stay out of it.
The bipolar rollercoaster is no fun. I don’t wish this on anybody, not even my worst enemy. I feel extremely anxious, sad, angry, unmotivated and tired all at the same time. When I was younger, I never understood depression and why people couldn’t snap out of it. When I hear someone say, “just get up and get showered and do something, it will help,” I want to scream. It feels like I have this huge weight on my shoulders because I’m constantly disappointing people all of the time. Last night my mom asked me why I never want to come over for dinner anymore. It has absolutely nothing to do with her, yet she makes it about her. That makes me angry. She has been to therapy with me and knows it’s not her and that she just has to give me space when I get in these moods. She has called me six times already today. I know she loves me and cares about me, but this is too much for me to deal with when I’m like this. Then she sounds disappointed because I don’t want to come over and hang out to “get out of the house.” I just can’t win. I need a win.
Taking my dogs for a walk is my happy time. I can’t even get myself to do that today. It’s not me that suffers, it’s them. Yes, my husband can take them but I’m the one who loves doing it. I hate hearing myself using the word “can’t” all of the time but it’s the truth. I literally can’t get myself to do things. I didn’t even want to blog today but I decided that I could at least get my emotions out on here to people that understand what I’m going through.
Lately, I have been working on for every negative thing list something positive. I don’t even know what positive thing there is today. I’m alive? I have a family that loves me? My dogs are my best buddies? I guess those things count. However, it isn’t helping me when I’m in a deep depression. I hate that.
I have no idea why I feel angry. Probably because I was so excited that I was doing so well and now I’m not. It doesn’t take anything on this bipolar rollercoaster to change my mood from happy to sad. The past few day’s I’ve also had people asking me when I plan on having kids since I’m 35. They don’t know what I’m going through in my marriage and they also don’t know that I can’t have kids. I literally can’t have them because of infertility issues. I don’t feel like I need to explain that to people and it’s really hard to talk about. I’m being compared to my younger sister who is due in July with a baby boy. These things are out of my control yet they make me SO sad. I’ve been handling it pretty well until I guess today.
I want to curl back up in bed and hide in the dark. I don’t want to watch tv, I don’t want to listen to music, I don’t want to read and I don’t want to be bothered. I just want to lay there in the dark in my safe space with my dogs. They are my therapy. I don’t see my actual therapist until the 15th and that’s probably a good thing because I would end up canceling my appointment if it was this week.
So to all of you who suffer like I do, what is your safe space? What do you do during your depressive state? Does anything help you?
To my new followers, welcome to Smiling Through Tears. This blog is a daily account of my struggle with mental health disorders. To all of my returning followers, thank you for supporting me and following my journey.