Yesterday I had a big health scare. I don’t really want to get into to much detail because it’s pretty gross and I’m sure you all don’t want to hear about it. I saw my doctor today and had five vials of blood taken, I have to go next Friday for an ultrasound of my abdomen and on April 2nd I have to have a biopsy done.
Scared doesn’t come close to how I feel. I am terrified that the doctor is going to find something really bad. There is a long list of diagnosis’s that it can be, but it might not be anything at all. My mind keeps going to the “what if’s?” and I’m trying so hard not to do that. I won’t know anything until after the biopsy so I need to try and keep my mind off of things. How do I do that? I’m not good at it. I’m already going through a very deep depression and this just adds one more thing going on in my head that is already spinning. It literally feels like my head is going to explode with everything that’s been going on. If it’s not one thing it’s another.
Why me? Why can’t I catch a break on anything? Yes, I know life is hard and you have to deal with things but this is ridiculous. Yes, I know I have to put my big girl pants on and suck it up. However, the amount of shit I’ve been going through is insane and nobody should have to go through it. I was in the grocery store after my doctor’s appointment and I almost broke down in tears there. I just can’t keep going like this. Something’s got to give.
On that note – I’m going to have a glass of wine to relax me and then go to bed. It’s really early but I figure that if I’m sleeping I’m not thinking about everything.
To my new followers, welcome to Smiling Through Tears. This blog is a daily account of my struggle with mental health disorders. To all of my returning followers, thank you for supporting me and following my journey.