Welcome back to Smiling Through Tears!

As many of you know, I’ve been going through a pretty deep depression the past few weeks. Yesterday started off pretty good but didn’t end so well. Before I went to sleep last night, I made a small list of thing’s I wanted to get done today. I woke up in an “off” mood but decided to try and kick it in its butt first thing this morning. I drank coffee and watched the news for a while, while I prioritized a list of what I wanted to get done today. I knew it had to be a manageable list so I didn’t get overwhelmed.

Around 10:00AM I started meal prepping for the rest of the week. All of the meals are healthy and are prepared for the week in their own daily containers. That was a win and something checked off my list. When I was done cleaning up it was lunchtime. I ate one of the healthy meals I had prepared and got SO tired afterwards. My depression has been exhausting this week. I decided I was going to lie down to nap for an hour. I fell asleep so fast and woke up 2 hours later. I came downstairs and sat down on the couch and that was the end of my motivation for the day.

I’m not going to get into detail why (TMI and its gross) but I ended up in the ED. So go figure, the little bit of light I had was destroyed sitting in a room in the ED waiting for the doctor to come in. I spent most of the afternoon there and was released. I have to follow up with my doctor tomorrow morning. I think everything is okay, but I’m going to have to have some testing done.

Now I am laying on the couch counting down the time until it’s time to go to bed. I may say fuck it and just go to bed soon. Every single time I start to feel a little bit better – I am hit with some type of bullshit that brings me down. I am SOOOO tired of this. The inspirational quote above was picked out before I had to go to the ED. I guess it can relate to my situation today. Every obstacle can only make me a stronger person. I’ll tell you what though — life has really been testing me lately. I’m not sure if I am any stronger, if anything I feel weaker. There is only so much a person can take before they have a complete meltdown. I feel like I’m headed that way and it scares me. I would NEVER hurt myself, please don’t think that. I just feel like one of these days I’m going to fall to the ground in tears and not be able to get myself back up.

I hope everyone is having a good night and I’ll update tomorrow after I see my doctor.

To my new followers, welcome to Smiling Through Tears. This blog is a daily account of my struggle with mental health disorders. To all of my returning followers, thank you for supporting me and following my journey.

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