Morning Sunrise to Afternoon Blues

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Photograph of the sunrise over Downtown Cleveland, Ohio taken by a local photographer 3/15/2019

It has been a long couple weeks however, yesterday morning I finally felt like there was light at the end of the tunnel. While I was still trying to wake up I started scrolling through Instagram and came across this beautiful photo of the sun rising over my hometown. I was in awe of the beautiful colors and the sunrise reflecting off of Lake Erie. The gray winter sky is so depressing so this photo put me in a cheerful mood all morning. I can not wait for spring!

Around 1:00PM my aunt called me to see how I’ve been since I got the bad news at the fertility doctor. BAM! My mood took a deep dive. It hasn’t been consuming every thought and I’m just starting to be okay as long as I’m not talking about it. I know my aunt wanted to make sure I was okay, but it made me think about it again. Of course I tried to act like everything was okay just so I could get off of the phone. When I finally was able to get off, I lost it. It felt like I was never going to stop crying. I hid in bed for the majority of the afternoon. I finally calmed myself down and decided to work out to help get some of my anxiety under control. I had such a good high when I finished working out but the high did not last long.

My mood has been very up and down the past few days. I’m having highs and then a few minutes later I’m irritable and very depressed. I’m not sure what’s going on with me. My psychiatrist said it could be me still getting use to my medication, but I don’t think it’s that. I know PMS can effect my moods, so it could be that…but honestly I don’t think it’s that either. I can’t put my finger on it. My bipolar II disorder usually has me down for a couple weeks before I have any highs. This time around my high and lows are so intertwined. It’s not making any sense to me.

Do any of my bipolar followers experience such weird ups and downs? I’ve never experienced such mixed-up highs and lows.

To my new followers, welcome to Smiling Through Tears. This blog is a daily account of my struggle with mental health disorders. To all of my returning followers, thank you for supporting me and following my journey.

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