I have not blogged in a week because I have been very depressed due to the bad news I received in regards to my infertility. However, I need to start living again. This post is my first step to getting back to the “norm.”

Today I made a new goal for myself. I HAVE to stop trying so hard with people. I want to continue to rebuild friendships that I’ve lost but I also want to let go of those that don’t deserve my effort and time. It is getting extremely tiring to try so hard when the effort and time isn’t reciprocated. As the above quote says, “Don’t chase people. Be an example. Attract them…” I have a bad habit of getting overly excited about new friends and I push and push to hang out or even talk. I need to let things be and if someone wants to hang out, then that’s great. If not, then I have to understand that too. I think I push so hard to hang out with new friends because I’m scared to lose them and I’ll never hang out with them. Yes, it sounds so stupid but it’s how I feel.

There is a friend of mine that I’ve had for close to fifteen years. I am going to use the word friend very loosely right now. We use to be the best of best friend’s, relied on each other for everything, talked several times a day and were each other’s rocks. We were always there for each other no matter what. This friend was the only person that could really help me get through to me during my deepest depressions. The past year or two this friend disappear’s and just stop’s talking to me out of nowhere. I’ll try and talk to them about it and I get no response. I ask if I’ve done something or have said something wrong however, I get no response. We won’t talk for a month and then my friend start’s talking to me again out of nowhere. However, this cycle has continued over and over again. We are good friends, then we don’t talk, we are good friends, then we don’t talk… and on and on. I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t constantly feel like I’ve done something wrong when I know I haven’t. At this point, we are on the cycle of not talking. I’ve tried telling this friend how it makes me feel and how true friends don’t treat each other like this. Obviously, it doesn’t matter to this person and it’s a waste of my time and puts my emotions through hell. I’ve been a great friend, but I refuse to continue this cycle. It hurts too much. It hurts more than I thought it ever would and I feel betrayed. I just can’t do this anymore. I don’t think, actually I know, that’s not how you treat someone — especially your best friend.

So as I start putting myself back out there with new friends, I always keep this situation in the back of my mind because it scares me to get hurt like I have in this particular friendship. I’m putting myself first.

To my new followers, welcome to Smiling Through Tears. This blog is a daily account of my struggle with mental health disorders. To all of my returning followers, thank you for supporting me and following my journey.

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