Today’s post is extremely hard for me to write. It is hard for me to think about let alone write about because it makes my situation very real. Last month I discussed here, what a unicornuate uterus is. Yesterday, I met with my fertility doctor to discuss the possibility of freezing my eggs incase one day I can afford IVF. Due to my age and multiple infertility issues, the doctor told me that it is not safe or possible to do an egg retrieval to freeze them.
As I was walking out of the doctor’s office, I felt sick to my stomach with overwhelming sadness. I cried to the point I started hyperventilating and I had a panic attack. My mom told me to come over and I collapsed into her arms as tears soaked her shirt.
I have so many emotions going through me right now. I am so disappointed, down, drained, angry, and sad but most of all numb. The past few days I have been in a great mood, actually an amazing mood — but after yesterday my depression is really taking a toll on me and my anxiety is extremely high. I can’t concentrate on anything, not even this post.
I know I need to continue the mourning process, but I can’t get the thought out of my head that I will never have my own biological child. People keep telling me that the impossible can be possible, but at this point I need to stop thinking like that because it just gets my hopes up. I need to get through this the best way I know how and that is to try and move on.
Have any of my followers or others who suffer from infertility had similar problems? How have you mourned it? Its consuming every thought I have and all of my energy. Thank you in advance.
To my new followers, welcome to Smiling Through Tears. This blog is a daily account of my struggle with mental health disorders. To all of my returning followers, thank you for supporting me and following my journey.