Yesterday was fat Tuesday and I met up with a friend for a drink. It was so much fun! I really enjoy spending time with this friend and always have a good time. Most people would think that getting out and getting a drink is no big deal, but it is to me for several reasons. Spending time with friends can be a challenge for me.

As I have mentioned in previous posts, most of my friends live out of town. The majority of my friends in town have children, so they are busy the a lot of the time, which I completely understand. I have also pushed a lot of friends away due to my mental health disorders. When I go through severe depression, I don’t want anything to do with anyone, including my family. People do not understand it and again I completely understand that. It’s sad to me that I go through this, but hopefully, I can regain their friendships one day.

I also have agoraphobia in some situations. According to, “Agoraphobia is a type of anxiety disorder in which you fear and avoid places or situations that might cause you panic and makes you feel trapped helpless or embarrassed. You fear an actual or anticipated situation, such as using public transportation, being in open or enclosed spaces, standing in line or being in a crowd. The anxiety is caused by fear that there’s no easy way to escape or get help if the anxiety intensifies. Most people who have agoraphobia develop it after having one or more panic attacks, causing them to worry about having another attack and avoid the place where it may happen again.” Going out where there are large crowds can make me very uncomfortable due to my extreme anxiety and history of panic attacks. I get nervous that people won’t understand if I need to leave if the situation becomes too much for me. I avoid going out for this reason and have also lost friends because of places they have wanted to go that I literally couldn’t. I have been working on going out and it is starting to get a lot better.

The restaurant that my friend and I have been hanging out at every couple weeks has been helping me because it is a small, quaint place that is very laid back. I do much better in smaller places and the amazing wine list sure doesn’t hurt. My friend helps me feel comfortable, relaxed and like my “normal” self. I always look forward to hanging out with this particular friend and wish we could more often!

I hope everyone is having a good week!

To my new followers, welcome to Smiling Through Tears. This blog is a daily account of my struggle with mental health disorders. To all of my returning followers, thank you for supporting me and following my journey.

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