Today has been a rough one, but that’s okay because I know all day’s won’t be good. I was supposed to go to a doctor’s appointment this afternoon but I’m really struggling, so I canceled the appointment last minute. I hate when I do that and it’s not fair to the doctor either. A goal of mine the past few months has been to work on not canceling appointments due to my up and down moods. You could say that I didn’t meet my goal today. I’ve been doing so well with this lately until today.
I only got two hours of sleep last night and I woke up in a sour mood. On top of it, the infertility issues that I have, have been weighing on me a lot since my birthday. When my birthday came around it hit me that I will never have my own biological child and it’s ripping my heart out. I’ve been going through the “mourning” process but the past few day’s have been rough. I’ve been crying a lot because I can’t hold back the tears anymore.
I also feel extremely lonely. My friends have their own families so I can’t see them that often. I was hanging out with one friend of mine once every other week but I think that is stopping too, which makes me sad. I really looked forward to seeing my friend because we had a really good time together. It was a good time to decompress and talk about anything. Everyone is busy in their own lives and I have my own “busy,” but its different. I really wish things were different. I always ask people how they are, how their day was, etc., but it would be nice to be asked how I am once in awhile.
I know life is hard and people are going through a lot more than me. However, to me, this matters. These things matter. Maybe tomorrow I will wake up in a better mood and have a fresher outlook on things. I hope I do. If not, I will keep going and work through my problems.
To my new followers, welcome to Smiling Through Tears. This blog is a daily account of my struggle with mental health disorders. To all of my returning followers, thank you for supporting me and following my journey.