Tomorrow is my 35th birthday. In years past I have never had any issues with my birthday and getting older. I’ve enjoyed people celebrating me. However, this year seems a lot different. I’ve come to some realizations about my life that have really brought me down the past several months and especially with my birthday tomorrow. I’ve tried shaking these things off but they are sticking with me. I do not take any of them lightly.
My marriage is in shambles and has been for years. I’m not happy at all. We’ve been to marriage counseling several times for many years however it hasn’t helped. I’m realizing that I can’t live the rest of my life this way. It’s a major part of my situational depression. I rather be by myself and happy then stuck in a marriage where I am not happy at all. This year my goal is to try to find a way to move out on my own. I have to focus on me and not making him happy when it isn’t reciprocated. I always thought that I would be married once and for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like that is going to happen.
Oh baby — this is a hard topic for me to discuss. I have female infertility and can’t have children (unless I go through IVF) due to a very rare genetic anomaly. IVF is not an option. In the state I live in, IVF is $20,000-$50,000 because it’s not mandated that health insurance cover it. I would not want to bring a baby into a broken marriage either. However, I could always do it on my own. Having a family has been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember. I feel empty and broken as a woman. I’ve wanted to have a biological child since I was a little girl. I played house and I was always the mom, I started babysitting at the age of thirteen and I love all of my friends kids. All of my friends have kids and I love them all so much but it’s so hard being the one who can’t have them and being around them. My sister and my brother-in-law are due in July with a baby boy. I am SO excited for them and to become an aunt but it also breaks my heart. Why me? Everyone tip-toes around this topic with me when I wish they wouldn’t. I rather people ask me upfront about it and drop the conversation instead of always trying to “guard” my feelings. My family does this a lot with me. Overall, this is one of the major unfortunate situations that has brought me down this year. I’ve been going to therapy weekly to help go through the “mourning” process. It’s so hard but I’m brave and I will make it through.
I have lost many friends due to my mental health issues. I’ve pushed people away because I can barely take care of myself at times, how am I supposed to manage so many friendships? When I went through severe manic depression after I came home from college, I stopped talking to most people. My friends would call and I wouldn’t answer. I was so embarrassed about not doing well in school and my actions and inactions that I owned up to (which is discussed in one of my first posts). Since then, the few friends that stuck around, I’ve somehow pushed away. My best friend never calls. I guess you realize who your true friends are when things like this happen. I would do anything for my best friend but it’s not reciprocated. So now I have a few really good guy friends and that’s who I talk to and hang out with. Girls can be so caddy and mean…I feel like I’m in middle school all over again.
My neighbor gets out of the psych ward tomorrow. I won’t lie, I’m pretty nervous that they are letting her leave so fast. Tomorrow will be a week since I found her trying to take her own life. I have gone to visit her several times and she seems better but is she really? I know how badly she wants to get out of there but is she rushing it? Is she putting on a brave face to the doctors so they let her leave? I’m so scared she’s going to try to commit suicide again. So many things in her life have to change but she’s a single mother who has to take care of her children. I told her I’m here to help when she needs it, but I can’t be there all of the time. Again, I don’t want to make this specific issue about myself but I’ve REALLY been struggling the past week with finding her trying to take her life. I am SO scared it’s going to happen again. I can’t handle that.
I love my family more than anything. They mean the world to me and I would do anything for them. However, I told my mom several times I did not want anything done this year for my birthday. I really don’t want to do anything at all if I’m being completely honest. Im just not feeling it. What does she do? Of course, of course, of course she invites my entire family over tomorrow for dinner and then again on Saturday night. I wish for once she could respect my feelings. As my therapist says, she does things for people to make herself feel better. I truly believe this is one of those times. I should be appreciative of her efforts, but Im angry and resentful that she doesn’t listen to me.
As you know from previous posts, I love flowers. I decided that today I was going to go buy myself “birthday” tulips 🙂 I needed something other then my dogs to put a smile on my face. Tonight, Im really going to try and get out of my head. Ive lost a lot of sleep the past few nights due to anxiety over these issues. Maybe a good nights rest will help!
To my new followers, welcome to Smiling Through Tears. This blog is a daily account of my struggle with mental health disorders. To all of my returning followers, thank you for supporting me and following my journey.