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Yesterday, my blog was about how my mood was starting to go towards the manic “up” cycle. I mentioned that when I can’t sleep at night it is pretty much a given that my mood is headed that way. I only slept 2 hours last night and still feel pretty energized. I got out of bed around 5:00AM EST, fed the dogs and took them out, made coffee and breakfast for my husband and I (scrambled eggs, avocado, blueberries and blackberries), watched the performances from The Grammies and watched The Today Show. I thought I was doing pretty well and not over doing it. Andrew said I seemed pretty manic because I wouldn’t sit still and found every excuse to get up to find something to do. I figure it was better to get up and do what I wanted then to sit around feeling anxious.

I was doing pretty well until a commercial for a children’s hospital came on for the labor and delivery at a local hospital. The commercial shows a newborn being handed to its mother and I lost it. Tears started streaming down my face and I knew I had to do something about it before my entire day was ruined. I got up and Andrew asked me where I was going. I told him I was going to change to get on the elliptical. I needed to do SOMETHING to get my mind off of my infertility issues and what better way to burn off anxiety then to work out! I changed into my workout clothes, put on my new gym shoes, blasted music and worked my butt off for 5 miles. I am not one who likes working out. I actually despise it but I know how good it makes me feel afterwards. It may sound gross, actually it is gross, but I love how much I sweat when I work out. It makes me feel like I accomplished something. The sweatier I get, the better. The decision to get on the elliptical was the best decision I made. Instead of sitting on the couch feeling sorry for myself I did something about it. I am proud of myself. I took negative energy and turned into something positive.

Andrew knows that if I’m working out to leave me alone. He knows to not even come upstairs. If he does, he’s in for it! He knew I was done working out when he heard the music stop, so he came up. He told me how proud of me he was because he knows how hard infertility is for me. I asked him to help me do my measurements (I do them every 3 weeks or so to see how I’m doing). I’ve lost 6 inches since November. It has been a huge struggle to lose weight because of all of the medication I am on. However, I decided to stop using that as an excuse. I’ve been eating healthier and I work out 4-5 times per week. It has definitely helped my anxiety. This is another goal I am proud of. Sometimes I even get myself to work out when I’m cycling down with major depression.

I’m starting to feel manic again since the high from working out started to go. I’m actually feeling extremely anxious again. I have SO much laundry to catch up on since last week I was useless with my manic depression. I’m using all the self-control that I have not to do online shopping. Online shopping when I’m having an “up” cycle is a major issue I have. I spend money like it grows on trees and we do not have it to waste. I am trying to figure out what I can do today to keep me busy that won’t get me in trouble HA!

Any of my bipolar friends out there have any ideas on what keeps you in line and out of trouble while you are cycling up? I would love some suggestions. I actually desperately need them! Thank you ahead of time!!!

Below is a picture of where I do my blogging. My bed is my place I feel the most relaxed. I light a candle and start typing.

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To my new followers, welcome to Smiling Through Tears. This blog is a daily account of my struggle with mental health disorders. To all of my returning followers, thank you for supporting me and following my journey.

2 Replies to “Refocusing My Energy”

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