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Welcome back to Smiling Through Tears!

I hope everyone has had a good week. I won’t lie, mine has been pretty rough. Here is a recap of whats been going on. I’ve had several terrible panic attacks, we had to have the fire department out to our house because we smelled natural gas, Maggie (my older labrador retriever) is sick, my mood tanked, my anxiety is very high and my IBS is making me even more miserable.

Around Sunday or Monday of this week my mood took the dreaded depressive dive. I have Bipolar 2 Disorder which is manic depression. I should be use to it by now, but how do you get use to feeling so helpless and miserable? I feel helpless, not motivated to do anything at all, my body aches, I’m tired non stop, and I’m sleeping a lot. I’ve really tried to get motivated to do something, anything. The only thing I have done is get on the elliptical 3 times this week. It helps my anxiety so that’s the only reason I could actually force myself to work out.

On a level from 1-10 (1 being the absolute worst) my anxiety has been at a constant 3 all week. I have nothing that is weighing on me. I think it goes along with my depression but I can’t seem to feel settled at all. I want to crawl out of my skin I’m so anxious. Like I mentioned above, I have been able to get myself on our elliptical a total of 3 times this week because it helped my anxiety for a couple of hours afterwards. I’ve tried occupying my mind doing different word games, sleeping as much as I can so I don’t have to experience this terrible anxiety, spending extra cuddle time with my two labrador retrievers (they are great “therapy” dogs), I’ve really tried to get up to clean but that didn’t happen very long, etc. My mind doesn’t and won’t shut off.

My parents want my husband and me to go over for dinner tonight and I’m dreading it. I do NOT want to even though I said we would earlier today. They live 5 minutes from us and I see them all the time. I can’t make that dreaded phone call canceling again. I’m really working on trying to keep my appointments and plans. I have a horrible habit of canceling everything. I usually can’t get myself to go. Right now, I just want to lay in bed and sleep.

Due to my depression, panic attacks and anxiety, my IBS has made me miserable this week. I’ve either been in the bathroom with diarrhea non stop, laying in bed or on the couch in pain. This is one of many huge downfalls of my manic depression and anxiety. My IBS flares up terribly. My gastroenterologist had me on medication but it didn’t work. He said the best medication for it are my depression and anxiety meds. UGH! I literally want to stomp my feet and cry like a little baby. That’s how frustrated I am. I want this down cycle to end.

Unfortunately, my manic down cycles seem to outlast my up cycles. I know its part of the disorder but it’s getting bad. I’ve talked to my psychiatrist about a medication change but I’ve tried SO, SO, SO many combinations of medications and there isn’t much else I can try. I can’t go on lithium because I was born with only one kidney and that is the only drug processed through the kidneys. My psychiatrist told me lithium is very hard on them, so I can’t take the risk.

This is currently what I take everyday: MORNING — Pristiq 100mg , Abilify 5mg, Clonazepam 1mg    12PM —  Clonazepam 1mg    NIGHT — Lamotrigen 200mg, Clonazeplam 1mg

Is anyone else on a similar cocktails of meds? Anyone with Bipolar 2 — how long do your manic lows last?


To my new followers, welcome to Smiling Through Tears. This blog is a daily account of my struggle with mental health disorders. To all of my returning followers, thank you for supporting me and following my journey.

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