Good afternoon everyone!

Who else has sleeping issues? My bipolar disorder and anxiety make it impossible to sleep at times. My brain doesn’t shut off. I either sleep ALL day and night, or I don’t sleep at all. I have had to remind my family over and over and over again that I can’t help my sleeping cycle. Everyone tells me not to nap. How can I stay awake all day if I’m up all night? Literally, ALL night. My naps are usually only an hour or two sometime between 10AM-2PM.

When I’m on an “up cycle,” I don’t sleep. Everyone can tell that I am cycling because I am go, go, go. I spend money, I clean the house until it shines, I exercise, I cook, I shower and I LEAVE THE HOUSE! When I’m up, I’m barely home. I find places to go even if its just to get out of the house. It’s exhausting though. I come home and wonder why the hell I did that. I lay down and try and nap but never have any luck. My mind doesn’t shut off at all and I can’t even explain what I’m thinking of. Unfortunately, my “up” cycles usually only last a few days.

When I’m on a “down cycle,” the depression hits me hard. Bipolar 2 disorder is basically manic depression. I stay in bed, I don’t shower, I binge eat and close myself off from my everything and anything. I really try to at least get out of bed and lay on the couch so I’m not in bed 24/7. I sleep well during this time and usually am able to nap during the day as well. My husband has to yell at me to get up and take a shower every other day. My down cycles usually last much longer then my up cycles. It’s depressing being so depressed. Its’s exhausting.

I have a problem with canceling plans and doctors appointments. I am working on this. It is very hard for me to keep these appointments because when I’m on a down cycle, I don’t want to leave my bed let alone my house. No matter what people tell me I don’t follow through with it. It’s not that I don’t care, its that I literally can’t. I hate the word can’t but its true. Im constantly told by my family I need to take that word out of my vocabulary. I wish they could be in my shoes for a day and then tell me that.

My therapist has me doing something new so I know when I can expect a new cycle to start. I have a spreadsheet where I keep track everyday of my anxiety and mood. I rate it from 1-10 (1 being the worst and 10 being the best). I’ve started noticing when my mood goes down, my anxiety goes sky high. Right now, I’ve been cycling every week or two. It might be the grey from the winter sky. I know that does not help.

When you are on up and down cycles, how is your sleep? Do you know when you are going to cycle up or down?

To my new followers, welcome to Smiling Through Tears. This blog is a daily account of my struggle with mental health disorders. To all of my returning followers, thank you for supporting me and following my journey.

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