Im going to recap the end of my last post and add a few other things:
- I couldn’t get out of bed no matter how hard I tried. It was literally impossible.
- When I did get out of bed, I stayed in my pajamas most of the day.
- I could not get myself to go to class no matter how hard I tried.
- When I went out with friends on the weekend, I drank too much and slept around with guys that didn’t care about me. I should say that I knew these guys and was friends with them. They weren’t random guys…but still. I guess you could call them friends with benefits.
- I ate and ate and ate to make myself feel better. Luckily, I never gained any weight at the time.
- I had manic days and then serious depressive days where I would suddenly crash and not get out of bed.
- I had a credit card for emergencies and I used it for everything and anything I wanted. My parents yelled at me all the time about it but I didn’t listen.
- Since I was not going to class and I was on probation due to grades, my parents and I had a terrible relationship. I got calls everyday from them yelling at me to get my ass in gear. This was a constant that never stopped.
- Junior year when we could move off campus I lived with friends. This had its positives and negatives. I will get more into that.
- Everything continued to go downhill with anxiety, depression and everyday issues.
Sleeping with my guy friends made me feel better about myself. It made me feel wanted, good about myself, made me feel great that I could finally make someone else happy and feel good at the same time. My sex drive was on overdrive. I always wondered what was wrong with me because I never said no. My roommates would talk to me about this but I wouldn’t listen. They would joke that I was a slut but I knew they weren’t kidding. I did what I wanted and when I wanted. I let myself be used but I didn’t care.
After my junior year at Ohio University my parents pulled me out and made me come home. I was furious! I was one quarter away from failing out and my parents paid for school. I didn’t blame them but at that time it didn’t matter to me. I wanted one more chance but they said I had 3 years of chances. My dad came down one day with a U-Haul and moved me out of my house. He was SO disappointed in me that it destroyed me. We made the 3 1/2 hour drive home without saying anything to each other. Disappointing my parents was worse than them being angry at me. My relationship with my parents, especially my dad, was ruined. We didn’t talk, we barely looked at each other. It took years and years of therapy for my relationship with my parents to go back to how it was precollege.
Growing up, my sister and I were extremely close but now she hated me because she was in high school while I was away at Ohio University. She was stuck listening to my parents argue with one another because of my screw ups and listening to them argue with me. My sister and me are still trying to rebuild our relationship to this day. I will get into my relationship with my family in another post.
When I look back at these experiences, I realize they helped me grow as a person. I still have MANY things to work towards and work through, however, I learned a lot from this.
Now that I have covered most topics leading up to my diagnosis’, I will discuss those in the coming blogs.
To my new followers, welcome to Smiling Through Tears. This blog is a daily account of my struggle with mental health disorders. To all of my returning followers, thank you for supporting me and following my journey.